Curse

Madjik · Jun 15, 2005, 02:37 AM // 02:37

OK, so I just got this in my e-mail from my uncle, and I thought it was cute enough to share (coincidently, no matter how many of these I recieve, sharing e-mail doesnt happen often for me). Maybe you've already seen it, maybe not. I'm posting it anywho. If ya dun like just close it

Zen For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2) A day without sunshine is like, night.
3) on the other hand, you have diffrent fingers.
4) I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5) 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6) 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7) I feel like i'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8) Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9) Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14) Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
15) Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your week.
16) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17) Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18) Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19) Plan to be spontaneous tomarrow.
20) Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22) How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
23) Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
24) How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked somthing.
26) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have the film.
29) If barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31) Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
32) What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33) I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34) I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37) Just remember - If the world did not suck, we would all fall off.
38) Light travels faster then sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
39) It's difficult doing nothing. You never know when you are finished.

Yea, I know it was a little long, but I thought it was funny. Enjoy

Gedscho · Jun 15, 2005, 02:41 AM // 02:41

you get em hugs and a plate of cookies by the zen men.
we wuvs wou

ManadartheHealer · Jun 15, 2005, 04:00 AM // 04:00

Gave me a good laugh

chalt2 · Jun 15, 2005, 05:37 AM // 05:37

Ahhh the refreshing thoughts of a great mind, Steven Wright

EmperorTippy · Jul 15, 2005, 04:48 AM // 04:48

Funny stuff.

DrSLUGFly · Jul 26, 2005, 11:29 AM // 11:29

I felt that there were a few lame ones, but I've summarized my favorites (as much for my convenience as to share them)

11) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

16) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

31) Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.

33) I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

36) Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37) Just remember - If the world did not suck, we would all fall off.
38) Light travels faster then sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

great post

The undead Mesmer · Jul 26, 2005, 12:14 PM // 12:14

the first one and number 12 are the funnyest

Omega_2005 · Jul 26, 2005, 12:43 PM // 12:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by Madjik

1) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

How can you exctly? it must take a collector 50 years to grab 5 of them!

Quote:

5) 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Too true unfortunately *coughs*politics...*coughs*

Quote:

18) Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

maybe it would be, if the weather isn't too damn hot!

Quote:

24) How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

well, you can tell if you look VERY closely, but afar, I guess you're buggered... =\

EnDinG · Jul 26, 2005, 12:44 PM // 12:44

These are ones I found on a website with HUNDREDS. I was bored enough at work to go and read a ton of them, then select the ones I liked. I went though about half... Heres the ones I enjoyed:

Warning to some people, there are probley a couple of four lettered words in there, such as "s**t" should be the worst there is.

Caution: I drive like you do!
Strangers have the best candy.
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.
I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason.
Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!
There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Abandon the search for truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Air pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk
BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.
Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
Beer: making woman look better since 1965.
Blondes Tease....Brunettes Please....
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Buy a gun support the constitution.
Buy a gun. Piss off the liberals.
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
Confucious say "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
Conserve water - Shower with a friend.
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers
Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn.
Don’t drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't be sexist - Bitches hate that!
Don't come knocking if the car is rocking.
Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Energizer bunny arrested; Charged with battery.
Eschew Obfuscation (Means avoid confusion/overcomplication.)
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Faster than a speeding ticket.
Fat people are hard to kidnap.
Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Go Braless! It will pull the wrinkles from your face.
God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.
Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically-challenged.
Heck is for people that don't believe in Gosh.
Honk if anything falls off!
Honk if you hate noise pollution!
Horn broken... Watch for finger.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
huked on foniks werkd fer me
I admire gay men, they leave more women for me!
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.
I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
I don't drive fast I fly low.
I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I drive like this to piss you off!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I gave up drugs, sex and booze... It was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it.
I have the body of a God... Buddha.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
I left the womb for this?
I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
I think, therefore I'm dangerous.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I’m insured by the mafia, you hit me and we'll hit you.
I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q."

HoodieRat · Jul 26, 2005, 02:04 PM // 14:04

Quote:

Originally Posted by EnDinG

3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

there are 10 types of people, those who know binary and those who dont.

midnyte13 · Jul 26, 2005, 02:13 PM // 14:13

Quote:

Originally Posted by HoodieRat

there are 10 types of people, those who know binary and those who dont.

LOL...that was funny

EnDinG · Jul 26, 2005, 02:25 PM // 14:25

It was probley on the list somewhere... Didn't get to it yet I bet.

Swampgirl Inez · Jul 26, 2005, 02:43 PM // 14:43

I want one of those 'binary' t-shirts. My friend was going to get a t-shirt that said, "Cannibalism is Low Carb" but the focus group didn't think it was funny. :/

Love these sayings btw.

aknox · Jul 27, 2005, 01:51 PM // 13:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omega_2005

How can you exctly? it must take a collector 50 years to grab 5 of them!Too true unfortunately *coughs*politics...*coughs*maybe it would be, if the weather isn't too damn hot!

well, you can tell if you look VERY closely, but afar, I guess you're buggered... =\

u managed to turn sumthin funny into annoyin